Monday, March 23, 2009

Not Cool At School

In August, my 25 year high school reunion will be held. I'm actually considering attending, even though I lost touch with most of my high school buddies one day after graduation. I'd go because 1) I always take a summer trip home to Wisconsin, 2) The Wisconsin State Fair is going on during that time and 3) the Brewers are playing at home. I realize that with all those other things going on, that I may not actually have time to attend said reunion, but who knows?

Anyway, my class has a website, not only to detail the plans for the the re-union party, but to check out a "then and now" section, updating fellow classmates' status. I've checked out some girls that I fancied (Sue Kreckler really turned out well), and some guys that I hung with (Scott Jensen grew, like, 6 inches). I don't really have any high school memories good or bad. I just attended, went to class, got decent grades, graduated, and went to college. There's a section on the reunion page where alums can write about their favorite high school memories. I'm hard pressed to remember anything at all. 

Fear ruled me then, just as it seems to now. I didn't join any clubs. I played JV baseball but rode the bench. I never went to any dances. I never asked any girl out on a date. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. It's said that fear is a driving motivator, but in my case, fear drove me to do nothing, to take absolutely no chances. 25 years later, I regret that I approached high school this way, but it's also the way that I seemed to have embraced life in general. Every job or challenge I've been given, I've approached it with an "I don't think I can do this" attitude. More often than not I've been wrong, but that hasn't stopped me from continuing to think that way. I've been both a success professionally, as well as in my married life, yet fear remains my dominant emotion.

If I go to my reunion, I'm sure I'll hear the requisite, "you haven't changed a bit". They'll have no idea how right they are



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