Tuesday, February 24, 2009

A Quarter To Three

I went sleepless this morning between 1:30 and 3. I awoke to the sound of Maverick having what could best be described as the dry heaves (as we found out later, it wasn't all dry, but that's another entry). We had taken him to the vet a couple of weeks ago to get it checked out and he was pronounced healthy, so I'm not too concerned about it. Remember- I'm Sully now. Nothing panicks me. Still, as both Mav and I laid back down, the multiplex in my head was just firing up. I believe the ability to think of multiple things at the same time helps me in my job, but hurts me elsewhere. I don't know what other people are like, but when I started to flash on different memories, I could only think, "uh oh". Further sleep would be difficult to achieve.

I start thinking about my old job, and how it all went down leading to 12/03/07. I still get angry, and always will. Some call it bitterness, but I say if you're not angry about getting let go, you probably knew you had it coming. Then I move to songs. I have Rush in my car's cd player, so a few of those songs are in my head. Not whole songs, either. Just the same lines, over and over. I start to think about my health, Pumpkin's health, Maverick, my parents, what to do if a parent dies, how I need to get my own house in order. Then it's back to music. It's almost like there's a feature showing of my own insecurities, bordered by songs I can't get out of my head.

I look at the clock. This never helps. I only try harder to expel things from my mind, only to let more in. Not good.

Suddenly I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. How does someone describe having a heart attack? "It felt like someone was sitting on my chest". Brief panic only makes it worse, and I don't want to wake up Pumpkin. Back to the music (still Rush. Same song. Same line). I need to listen to classical on the way in to work today. It's relaxing and doesn't stay in my head. I decide to get up and surf the net for a bit but quickly stop, realizing that surfing and reading will only put more things in my head. Watching TV might wake up Pumpkin, so that's out. So I sit in my recliner, in the dark. This seems to work. It's cool in the house. 72. It's 2:45. I've been at this an hour and 15 minutes, but sitting in solitude is helping.

I decide to go back to bed, which is met by more of the dog's (not so) dry heaves. Any movement I make in bed seems to wake Pumpkin up and I apologize to her. She's not angry at me. She never gets angry at me. This seems to calm me down. The dog seems happier that I'm back where I'm supposed to be, and he calms down. The music stops in my head. I have to call a law firm about a construction defect lawsuit against the builder of our community. They have more questions. Not worried. National Pancake Day is today.

Off goes the alarm. It's now 6am. That was fast.

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