Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Darkness and Light

On the edge of sleep
I was drifting for half the night
Anxious and restless
Pressed down by the darkness
Bound up and wound up so tight
So many decisions, a million revisions
Caught between darkness and light.*

Fancy way for saying I had a tough time sleeping last night. Maverick got me up by making some sounds which told me he was about to be sick, and he needed to go outside. He's a smart dog. Upon returning to bed, everything in the blender that is my brain was working at high speed. And it wasn't good.

At least during the daytime, there are enough distractions that whatever is going on inside my head can be pushed down until later, hopefully much later. The wee hours of the night affords no such luxury.

My parents are in town this week. They visit frequently, 3-4 times a year. We often say that I probably see them more living out here than I would if I lived back in Wisconsin. Their visit is a constant reminder to me about how upset my dismissal made those closest to me, and it makes me angry. It's anger that can't be acted upon. Anger that can only be dismissed when the next stage of my job life begins.

Still, my anger inevitably turned to self pity. I got up from bed to lay down on the couch in the living room to just think about things. The dominating feeling emerged that I was a failure. The light of day negated the feeling, but there's something about the loneliness of 2:30am- even lying next to the person you love- that brings fear, pity, and panic.

On the edge of sleep
I heard voices behind the door
The known and the nameless
Familiar and faceless
My angels and my demons at war
Which one will lose- depends on what I choose
Or maybe which voice I ignore....*

Excedrin PM is playing a vital role in my life these days. I didn't take it last night. I won't make that mistake again.

*- N. Peart, 1991

No comments: